Changing our behaviours is hard.
There’s one thing that all parents have in common. The struggle of trying to reason with our young kids.
It doesn’t matter if they’re furry with four legs, or skin-y with two. They don’t understand much more than gratifying their immediate needs. And they are very strong willed.
Ever since he was born, I would bring my son out with me to friend’s houses, restaurants, and various other social situations in public.
Babies are babies, so those events went as expected. He was quiet when content. Crying when not. Obviously.
And toddlers are toddlers, so those events were the same but louder and more animated. Obviously.
As he grew to pre-school age and then to school age, he wasn’t throwing fits anymore, but he would get just as irritable. By the end of nearly every event, he was moody and mouthy, and had us on our last nerve. Other kids were able to have a good time and behave appropriately. It was a very stressful experience for us.
When he was 7, a pediatrician diagnosed him as having ADHD. In hindsight, so many of his habits and behaviours suddenly made sense. We were exposed to a new series of challenges, but we also had some semblance of direction now.
The diagnosis didn’t mean we should stop trying the old-fashioned way, though. ADHD is a neurological condition, but it’s still possible to make changes to behaviours. Consistency and routine are key. We tried pep-talks, ultimatums, positive-reinforcement, reward-systems, loss of privileges, and more. A lot of these methods were somewhat effective. When he was calm, it was clear that he understood the expectations, and was always on board.
But what we kept experiencing was that as the length of the event would go on, our chances for making it to the end dropped. It wasn’t for a lack of effort, either. Eventually the overstimulation would exhaust his ability to remain patient and agreeable. Our strong start would turn into a dumpster fire.
The worst part of it was that the stress from earlier events would snowball into the next ones. Attending events carried a dark cloud. We were always on edge, and it really affected our mental states.
Leveling the playing field.
About five or six years had passed when I came across a quote that I’ve since tattooed onto the backs of my eyelids so I will never forget it. Figuratively, of course.
“If you can’t manage the behaviour, manage the environment.”
Here’s what I understood from that quote… If we couldn’t make progress teaching him how to stay calm and collected, we needed to look at what’s making him un-calm and un-collected in the first place.
I thought back to past events and saw the pattern that they would go smoothly until the about three quarters the way through. We managed that part of the environment first and started leaving events a little earlier than usual. I gotta tell you, it made for a much more relaxing drive home.
We looked for other patterns that would trigger the negative behaviour and started managing those too. Through trial and error, we now have a few strategies to keep us all better prepared.
Nowadays, we make it a plan to arrive a little later and leave a little earlier than we used to. He also makes sure to brings things to do on his own in case he feels overstimulated from socializing.
Initially, I was hesitant to taking that approach. I didn’t want to give in to the demands of the terrorist and end up re-enforcing the behaviour we were trying to end.
It didn’t take long to realize how wrong I was.
By cutting down on how much time he’s stimulated, we gave him a better chance of making it through the event without burning out. Our small wins were adding up.
Don’t get me wrong. He still faces consequences when he’s offside and we still have to make course-corrections during some events. But since we no longer get past the point of being mentally drained, molehills never turn into mountains. Not only do we have a more positive experience while we’re out, but the strategies are more likely to stick, setting him up for more future wins.
Life is an obstacle course
What my experience shows us is that the path to our goals is not always going to be an easy one. I like to think of it as being in an obstacle course like Warrior Dash or Tough Mudder.
We train our bodies to improve our balance, agility, strength, and endurance. We train our minds to learn different skills and strategies for tackling each of the different obstacles. We even get a couple of friends to run it with us to keep us motivated. When those components all come together, we smash goals left and right!
We can train night and day to improve ourselves. But there will be a time when the goal we’ve chosen, and the obstacle course we participate in will be too difficult. No matter how much effort we put forth.
What you may not realize until now, is that you are the person that creates the obstacle course in the first place. Whether you know it or not, your environment decides how many obstacles you face, and how difficult they are to overcome.
The people around you. The places you are in. The way things are organized. The amount of stress you expose yourself to. These all come with obstacles that you must overcome if you want to reach your goal. Where things are placed. Your organization
If you’ve been trying for years to stop eating chips before bed, but those cravings are just too strong. Look at your environment and see what you can change.
- Move the chips from your line of sight on the counter and into a cupboard.
- Make it harder to get to them by putting them up high.
- Make sure you always healthier options to choose from.
- Stop buying chips.
Let’s say that you’ve been trying to be more active but keep falling off the wagon. Take a look around your environment and figure out what’s getting in your way.
- Leave a gym bag packed by the door or in your car.
- Keep the curtains open to let more sunlight in and boost your mood.
- Keep a set of dumbbells tucked under the coffee table to make it easier to kick off a home workout.
- Find a workout partner, or a social group to support each other.
- Drag your couch into the backyard and burn it so.
Just kidding – don’t burn your couch. I’m sure you could find a few things to try before it gets to that
If you can’t manage the behaviour, manage the environment.
Helping my son manage his ADHD required us to manage his environment. Reducing how long he was out of his comfort zone helped him build up a healthy tolerance. Giving him space to do things on his own gave him opportunity to de-stress.
We removed a few obstacles and shorted the course to give him a better chance for success. He’s more engaged when he needs to be because his experience with socializing became a more positive one.
Look at critically at your own environment.
- Where can you make small adjustments to the places, people, and things around you?
- How can you make the experience a more positive one?
- How can you make it easier to do what you want to do?
- How can you make it harder to do what you don’t want to do?
It might be time to get some of those obstacles out of your way.
